(657): Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I’m pretty sure I got here on foot
(214): She’s cool and all but if she eats my food again I’m gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
This is Drift calling Chief Medical Officer Ratchet—with some good news! Killing two birds with one stone tonight: masturbation meditation. Win win. Drift out.
(570): The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
(303): She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered “I will eat your soul with bacon bits.” I want whatever drug she was on.
(806): We’re gonna take a moment of silence to pray… that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
(732): Please visit Steve this weekend, he’s getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.