Transformers Texts From Last Night
(657): Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I’m pretty sure I got here on foot

(657): Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I’m pretty sure I got here on foot

(296): i don’t even want to say how many boners i’ve caused this week.

(296): i don’t even want to say how many boners i’ve caused this week.

(214): She’s cool and all but if she eats my food again I’m gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.

(214): She’s cool and all but if she eats my food again I’m gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.

(972): If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.

(972): If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.

This is Drift calling Chief Medical Officer Ratchet—with some good news! Killing two birds with one stone tonight: masturbation meditation. Win win. Drift out.

This is Drift calling Chief Medical Officer Ratchet—with some good news! Killing two birds with one stone tonight: masturbation meditation. Win win. Drift out.

(570): The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate

(570): The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate

(307): “Masturbate” is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.

(307): “Masturbate” is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.

(503): It’s something I can’t competently describe without making sex sounds.

(503): It’s something I can’t competently describe without making sex sounds.

(303): She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered “I will eat your soul with bacon bits.” I want whatever drug she was on.

(303): She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered “I will eat your soul with bacon bits.” I want whatever drug she was on.

(806): We’re gonna take a moment of silence to pray… that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.

(806): We’re gonna take a moment of silence to pray… that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.

(858): my life trainwreck boards at 9:30

(858): my life trainwreck boards at 9:30

(909): My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.

(909): My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.

(908): holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies

(908): holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies

(732): Please visit Steve this weekend, he’s getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.

(732): Please visit Steve this weekend, he’s getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.

(215): i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way

(215): i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way