(781): And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming “THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME”
(773): we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
(508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
(1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
(630): What eyeshadow color says “yes I am at the dentist and yes I am hungover please don’t judge my life choices.”
(503): Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Then all our efforts have not been in vain.
(212): He doesn’t deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?